woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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