I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
