i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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