theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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