T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
