2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
