I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
