I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
