If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
