So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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