Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
