Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
