well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
