We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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