You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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