Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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