hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
