he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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