you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
