i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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