Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
