I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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