You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
