My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
