So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
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The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
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If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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