remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
