i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
