Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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