New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
