My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize