Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
