He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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