You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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