I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
