I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
