Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
