So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
