the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
