I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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