My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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