I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize