Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
