member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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