Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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