She is in my trunk
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.