True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
seriously i just wanna be friends
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
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CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
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also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.