After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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