I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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