I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
