***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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