tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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