I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
