you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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