Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
