we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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