I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
